I’ve been thinking a lot about a post I read on Suguarbutch last year. It was back when Sinclair was writing about Kristin’s homework assignments. One post, the holiday version, has stuck with me. Sugarbutch wrote about how Kristin was going home to deal with family things and her biggest homework assignment was to take care of herself and check in when she needed. (I would post a link, but it’s password protected so it wouldn’t do much good.)
I remember this so clearly because when I read it last year, I thought about how, like Kristin, this year I had someone to help me through the emotionally draining holidays spent with my family. I knew there was someone who was worried about my well-being and who would support me. I felt like I had someone on my side.
This year, things are a little different. I don’t have that person. I want to point out that I do have an absolutely amazing network of friends, many of whom would not hesitate to support me in whatever way I needed if I asked and I am so lucky and thankful for that. BUT, friends are not the same as having a partner. At least for me, having a partner implies a level of trust that I struggle to have even with my closest friends. It means feeling I can rely on that person for anything and moreover, that the person will probably be with me through most of the difficult things I face. Last year, the ex (I still don’t know what to call her here, so I’ll settle with the ex) helped me tremendously through my holiday season out to my parents. It was also the last few weeks I would be in the US and thus everything had an extra feeling of urgency.
But this year, I’m alone.
And because of that, I’ve been thinking a lot more about the ex than I have in awhile. I’ve been trying to really understand all the feelings I’m experiencing, and through doing so, I think I’ve discovered something important about myself.
I work better as a human being when I’m in a relationship.
The ex was really my first “real” relationship (and what a doozey it was) and it was an incredibly educational time of my life. I realized that I’m someone who will always experience high highs and LOW lows and who will hold onto things and feel lost and need reassurance, regardless of who I have in my life. BUT, when I do have a partner-someone with whom we have committed to be there, to take care of each other, to love each other, I recover better. I center more easily after those highs and lows and I find it easier to ground myself with the reality that I am loved.
Now that I realize this about myself, I’m trying to figure out how I feel about it. For a lot of my life, really my whole life up until meeting the ex and falling in love with her straightaway, I was pretty content with the idea of being alone. It wasn’t like a sad resignation of being lonely forever-it was more that I just thought I wasn’t someone who could ever make a relationship work. But then, I had one. And I realized how it feels to be loved and I realized that I do work better when I have that person loving me and now I don’t think I can go back. One part of me loves this because it thinks this represents major growth, but another part still hates the idea of relying on someone else.
I’ve got some more thinking to do about all of this and what it means. If I work better in a relationship, should I seek one out regardless of how much I actually feel ready to give that kind of commitment? Should I actively seek to not be in a relationship until I can feel the same kind of love and support without one? Etc, etc.
Self-discovery is hard, y’all.
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